I’m ashamed of myself, of what I am. I’ve learned and rediscovered a lot, and yet the shame still lingers in me. The belief that something is fundamentally wrong with me, that something so dark and so evil is inside me. I see myself in the mirror. I see my face melting down, I see the darkness in me. I see my hatred, I see my anger, and I see how easily this “self” in the mirror can kill, murder, or even rape. I see how this monster can manipulate, take advantage of others, or even destroy lives. I see the liar, the cheater, the aggressor, and the addict. I see myself as what I am. Just a weak little skinny boy who is too scared of the world and of himself. A weakling who isn’t capable of anything. Who is not worthy of love, acceptance, and connection. Just a monster. Something that could never be accepted or loved. I pity him; I despise him. I’m trying to get rid of him.

I start to see things with different eyes. He is scared; he is just a boy. He’s terrified; he doesn’t really want to hurt or do anything bad to anyone. But he is so afraid; he’s just trying to protect himself, to make himself heard. He just wants to be loved. He wants to be connected; he wants to feel safe, to play, to laugh, and to explore. I understand. I’ve tried all my life to get rid of him, and yet I never understood that there was nothing to get rid of. He is me; he is part of me. He is not bad or good, he just is. I tell him that I love him, and I embrace him. I feel a warm feeling inside my heart, and something in me becomes whole again. Reclining on my knees, I start crying.

               I’m sorry little one, i m sorry I was not there for you, I am here now. I see you. I love you. You are not alone. I’am here.

“Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.”